stranger than your sympathy

today my english prof advised us to "take the same drugs you did while studying for your finals on the day of those finals" because that way, the same neuroreceptors in your brain will be excited and you'll remember the info better.

awesome.

so the other day in the dining hall, i spotted a group of grad students situated near where i was sitting. and all i could think is. god. i really really don't wanna grow older.
you gotta wear boring, mature clothing. stiff shoulders and sitting up straight? what does frolicking mean? um. politics? and wtf. you sit and listen to each other whistling for sport?

well. the whistling thing is actually pretty amusing but like. that's probably already on the extreme side for old peeps. still. the clothes just...god. looking classy is not on my list of things to do. ever.

actually. the clothes just really scare me for some reason. and like really old peeps? o_0 let's not even go into their fashion. whatev. i'm still in the mental age of like 8 so.

so in sex section we played a mating game which involved sticking cards containing three random personality traits on our heads without looking at it....and then trying to "propose and mate" with another person you thought had attractive qualities by holding your hand out to shake as the proposal.

it was actually really sad and amusing to see people scramble around, closing their eyes and awkwardly sticking their hands out in people's faces in hopes of not getting rejected. funny were the hesitant and ew. faces of those who'd just read foreheads with unattractive qualities. and the two people left over with such qualities as "bitchy," "boring," and "grumpy" written across their heads was especially sad.

then of course, we took our cards off our heads and compared them to see if we paired with peeps with similar qualities and such and yada yada. and yeah. got candy.

i also totally rushed into section with an incomplete paper on my laptop, found the due date time to turnitin.com to be during section, edited in a flurry, squeezed it onto 8 pages with some slight...alterations. and turned it in moments before due time. then of course i raced up the hill to my fugging room and printed out a copy right after section, just moments before the hard copy due time at the start of lecture. already i'm learning the ways of bad college students.

oh and of course my pset and another 6 page english essay with no prompt is due tomorrow at 8am and noon respectively. and of course i...haven't started either. and of course i'm going to the big game festivities later tonight.

yuh. so ima just...youknow...like get started or something.

watching the others struggle through makes me grin

you know when there are just some thoughts that keep cluttering your mind. you try to approach it with this air of. psha whatev. not that big of a deal. but you still know deep in the back of your mind that actually yuh. things don't change and yeah it could be a big deal.

and now i'm starting to feel like a fool. and it's interfering with other things i'd like to get going on. see. it is quite unfortunate that yes. the taiko team is all about politics. and it is even more unfortunate that it is actually something i...probably care about for once.

don't you hate when you have to admit that yes, you care about what others think about you?

i keep on realizing just how much i've been stupidly reanalyzing again and again what i did wrong at taiko tryouts and what i need to do to beat the system. and all at the same time, trying to reject all the instances of politics that i wish were not there. but hey. it's life and this is how it goes.

1. you have to be good looking. as in pleasing to the eyes. not necessarily the most attractive thing in the world but hey. kyodo performs and performers (esp females of a japanese artform) must be at least somewhat good looking.
2. i need to lose some serious weight. let's face it. i'm overweight and it's not pretty.
3. change my appearance (clothes and shiz). negative attractiveness points. tomboy is acceptable but only with a fugging flare of feminine style
4. learn to acquire a more attractive and outward personality. they want potentially fun friendly people on their team. it's true i pushed myself and wasn't very shy or hesitant in throwing myself into it. but there's more to it than that.
5. definitely. lose the glasses. probably looked like a bookworm. and hard truth is. i probably still looked like a fatass, boring, sloppy nerd no matter how well i owned basic form and drumming. the importance of attractiveness ups itself even a bit more in japanese culture.
6. being japanese, having a japanese last name is a definite plus. comeon. taiko is a japanese tradition. it's all about japanese culture. even to be mixed race but have the name counts for something.
7. it probably really helps to be a part of nsu (which i am now) and get to know the peeps so that they also get to know you. they'll remember you and see more than just another nervous face in the crowd.
8. it probably helps even more if you're part of nsu staff (which i am also partly on...without actually initially meaning to be on. but won't go into that). a dedicated staff member of the club ensures the security of the team's future of being led by leaders who are well-connected to the club and its functionings.

before i was all fired up, stubborn, confident and totally gung ho over spending the rest of my college career pursuing taiko. but already i'm getting weary. being a part of nsu is fun but awkward. joining late hasn't been so bad because a couple people i knew from before turned out to be in it. at the same time, thanks to tryouts, the taiko team knows me already.

but that's where the awkward comes in. it's nice to know that going in new, people know you and you already know them. but um. then there's that little thought floating in the background (ohey we um. rejected you from the team).

and then because i'm a girl and i think too much, i start thinking. shiz maybe they're thinking the same thing. or maybe they just plain don't like me. or maybe they suspect i'm hanging around in efforts to work around the politics of it all. and because i hate politics, it leaves me quite uncomfortable. keep in mind these peeps aren't mean or anything. they're actually really chill people. i'm just paranoid.

but the realization of the fact that i actually care enough to even think about changing so much of my frigging self and what i'm comfortable with leaves me with a doubt that screams hey wtf dude. are you sure you want to let this go down? and then a part of me gets angry and stubborn against ...being so stubborn in not giving this all up.

shit. and after all these thoughts. the end always leaves me with the bitter truth that hey. you can be a guy and be a bit ugly, a bit fatter, and seem a bit nerdier when it comes to cases such as this and still have an upperhand over a female counterpart of the same sorts. genderstudiesw00t.

god how i hate admitting the truth.
maybe i was just meant for rugby instead.

why sampson loved delilah

so i've found out i have no idea how to eat apple turnovers. or at least the ones here. they are literally the size of your entire FACE and crumble at the slightest touch. but damn is it good.

also after much experimentation around various areas including the halls of the humanities building, the library, and the grassy hills just past bruin plaza, i've finally found the perfect spot to sleep at during the 2 or 3 hours on tues and fri mornings between math and english class:

yes. under one of the archways of royce hall is always quite glorious. today i woke up to the burning sensation of sweatshirt zipper metal when it is in the sun too much, upon the bare skin of my neck. besides that though, and the constant stares from everyone who passes by however, it really is a nice place to situate yourself. as long as you don't mind very hard surfaces of course. it's not that bad really. here, i'll teach you how to do it:

quite simple really.

the big game or whatever is coming up. lots of things going on. even though we don't get a concert by the fray (goddammit) or a show with will ferrell like usc. it's okay. we party the semi-poor way. peeps camping out ever night by the bear statue to protect it from any possible usc plots, people running around trading in their red clothing for blue spirit shirts (i'm hells not trading in my threadless fuckit shirt for one though) and donating blood to "get the red out." yeah. it scares me too.

car smashing yesterday ...which i had no idea about ohwells next year. and bonfire/parade thursday with band and bunch of other good stuffs, parties that i will not attend, etc. but i won't lie. i'm mostly looking forward to the two dollar movie on friday which is totally unrelated to the game (stfu i've been trying to see half nelson forevah).

actually, also excited to hear the usc band. they sound like boring jerks...even if they're supposed to be very good. i sure as hope i don't meet any drunk 40 year old usc men though. that does not sound hot.

and tailgating. with floor or nsu (jap student union)? i know nsu will have steak. but i'm sure the floor will also have burgers and good stuff like that. decisions decisions.

to conclude - this is the furthest my spirit goes:
(something like)
jade: lolz. a stanny mom told us about how the usc band traveled for a game and stayed over at a hotel.
and something like 9 girls came back pregnant.
me: wtf they're trojans. aren't they supposed to be pretty down with protection?
jade: dunno
me: ohwait nevermind. trojans are only good once i guess.

but then i apologized something like "sorry that's what everyone says around here."

it's okay. i'm working on it.

so everybody put your best suit or dress on

just got back to el college and to my pleasant surprise, i'm the first one back. thus i strut around my room in the gloriously sloppy sweatpants i bought from old navy (thanks jade), that my mom fears me of wearing in public.

that last sentence doesn't seem to make sense. but it's okay. i'm still stupid from senior year.

back at school now. i don't feel any different. back home, same thing. now i'm not sure what i'm supposed to be feeling. past weekend was a bunch of reunions, wasting time, procrastinating work, etc. it was good overall i guess. but it's odd cause i couldn't still help to feel that something was just missing. the familiarity is slowly disintegrating and i guess it's just a time when you're inbetween and the word "home" is just starting to become ambiguous.

back "home" you go through the motions, go to the same places just like you always did. same things imprinted into your mind just like you've never left it. but it doesn't feel like anything. it's like you're going around in the past but faded. and the closest thing to the past now are the old smells, sounds, and quite streets that resonate with a distant ring of nostalgia. but still. everyone's on a different track now and that's that.

what the fug did i just say. i dunno. let's just say that maybe i expect too much. and maybe it's a bit unsatisfying. and maybe i'm just a little too impatient. and maybe i'm the type of person that takes time to work things out. and maybe that combination is not so good.

besides that, do not see domino, it is a bad movie. and see babel, it is a good movie. sort of like crash. but don't see it unless you're in the mood for something very intense and heavy. went into it thinking it was another generic action movie suited for 9 bored ucla students...and um yeah. guess i'm not picking the movie next time.

oh. and check out the book masters of deception: escher, dali, and the artists of optical illusion at your local bookstore. coolest fugging book ever. elmer found it in barnes&noble the other night and the rest of us all seriously goggled at it for at least 2 hours. frigging amazing.

the california sun cascading down my face

thanksgiving arrives. as usual, my cousin, aunt and uncle come over.

this. is my family:
(before relatives arrive)

dad: (walks into my room) wanna go get the beer?
me: (preoccupied on comp) ...huh? yeah sure. maybe later.
dad: k. (leaves)

me: (5 min later) ...wait.

(later, relatives arrive, i tell cuz dad wants beer. we decide to go get it. we go down. dad hands me money. i try to hand it to my cuz.)

cousin: why you handing it to me for?!
me: psh so you can buy it duh!
mom: wait. can't you just buy it?
cousin+me: um.

mom: what? you're 18 already!

yeah.
anyways, lots of food, yadda yadda. i try to get out of picking my uncle up from my...second? cousins' house(they have the same model house as andrew ha.), so that he could come back and eat my sis's bread pudding or whatever, but instead just succeeded in making my sis and cousin come with me. we neander around inside and one of my second? cousin's french husband cooks up some mean crepes with assorted fruit and nutella...while my sis goggles and tries to learn how to make them. we come back, time passes, my relatives go home and yeah. the end.

this. is also my family:

dad: (enters mah room) so...your mom and i was thinking. since we have no idea what you like or want nowadays. we think you should just write things you want on a list and we'll just get you some of those things.
me: um. my snowboard could be my christmas present =D
dad: nono, but your snowboard is something ...something you need. youknow for mammoth and stuff. like we mean like other stuff...
me: um. okay...
dad: okay? okay. so just make your list and give it to us sometime. (leaves)

yup.

and it's a long way home

sometimes i wish i could be one of those people who can let go and never look back. cut all ties and just forget. to not expect or hope or care. just sometimes.

anyways, thanksgiving hasn't even gone and past and i'm already thinking about winter break. for my own benefit, i will write down a tentative schedule of important dates:

dec
15 - i'm out bitches.
17-21 - aca (association of chinese americans) annual ski/snowboard trip to tahoe. apparently it's mostly a bunch of hardcore partying. oh asians. (if not going, will have dentist appointment on 21st ew.)
23-29 - annual family ski/snowboard trip to mammoth
jan
1 - so this is the new year.
2 - if going with aca, then make-up dentist appointment urgh.
8 - fugging last fugging day of fugging break.

but for now, looking forward to thanksgivingbreak snowboard scouting (well, friends too of course, but that's a given). know how easy it is to trick yourself into blind contentment through the attainment of material goods?

and then realize how unsatisfied you still are afterwards.

omg. how boring i am now. i can feel my sense of humor seeping out of me slowly, the unused expressions, ideas, silly imitations collecting dust and cobwebs, expiring with every day that passes...like the lunch meat that i stuffed into my mouth that one midnight as i was starving, only to find out after eating half of the package that fresh, green fuzzy mold had inhabited itself right smack dab in the middle of each slimy slice of the processed animal bits.

i knew it tasted a bit funny.

with our palms cupped like shovels

here goes nothing..

so i suppose i've decided to finally revive the blog completely again. i'll start with a relatively boring entry. because i'm not feeling very inspired or creative at the moment..and i'm just plain not used to blogging anymore.

let's see. my life. well...i did go to the ski/snowboarding expo at the l.a. convention center yesterday. it's a great event for anyone looking for good prices on new equipment, clothes, etc. only it's horribly crowded and hectic so if you're claustrophobic or agoraphobic...not the place for you.

did manage to zero in on a couple of jackets but after countless runs, no board. cause i'm just picky like that. my eye is still on the burton 147 elite, that i initially saw at the expo but didn't get, even though my ideal length is actually around 150(cm) buuut the 151 elite is uglier....and i still really like the 47's design rawrgh. i might just get a board too short for me. and then pretend to lose some weight =D afterall, i've apparently been using a board that's been too short for me since the beginning of time(a 143) and never really noticed so. yuh.

what else. i still hate the uc system cause i had this whole plan for picking classes and even with a priority enrollment...ended up with another 8am class and scattered schedule. i'm pretty much improvising next quarter's schedule now. it's hot. and i'm forced to obsessively monitor the schedule of classes site constantly in this unflatteringly paranoid way.

hm. i...really don't think i have much else to say other than i'm not doing so well in math and american novel, two classes out of three. and my sex class is the only one i've been doing surprisingly well in. heh i wonder why that is. k. i'm also still wanting to procrastinate some more so...i'll post my class schedule...yes. even though it will be defunct in a few more weeks.

mon.
8-8:50 - math 31a lecture. basic calc and yeah. i'm failing.
8:51-11:59pm - PARTAY(sleep is good too)

tues.
8-8:50 - math discussion
11-12:15 - american novel lecture. prof is awesome and shows us random movie clips. but why am i even taking this frigging class.
3:30-4:45 - ge clstr: sex from biology to gendered society lecture. the only class i'm actually interested in. though the seats are so comfy i fall asleep almost every lecture. hm.

wed.
8-8:50 - math lecture. why is this classroom so damn far away.
rest of day - have i mentioned how much i love mon and wednesdays?

thurs.
8-8:50 - HA NO MATH HAHAHA SLEEP IN LATE HAHAHAH OMG k.
11-12:15 - american nov lecture.
1-2:50 - sex discussion. my ta is the most fugging awesome ta in the world. seriously. you would think so too if you met her.
3:30-4:45 - sex lecture.

fri.
8-8:50 - wtf math lecture.
12-12:50 - american nov discussion.
12:51-whenev -HOME FREE