watching the others struggle through makes me grin

you know when there are just some thoughts that keep cluttering your mind. you try to approach it with this air of. psha whatev. not that big of a deal. but you still know deep in the back of your mind that actually yuh. things don't change and yeah it could be a big deal.

and now i'm starting to feel like a fool. and it's interfering with other things i'd like to get going on. see. it is quite unfortunate that yes. the taiko team is all about politics. and it is even more unfortunate that it is actually something i...probably care about for once.

don't you hate when you have to admit that yes, you care about what others think about you?

i keep on realizing just how much i've been stupidly reanalyzing again and again what i did wrong at taiko tryouts and what i need to do to beat the system. and all at the same time, trying to reject all the instances of politics that i wish were not there. but hey. it's life and this is how it goes.

1. you have to be good looking. as in pleasing to the eyes. not necessarily the most attractive thing in the world but hey. kyodo performs and performers (esp females of a japanese artform) must be at least somewhat good looking.
2. i need to lose some serious weight. let's face it. i'm overweight and it's not pretty.
3. change my appearance (clothes and shiz). negative attractiveness points. tomboy is acceptable but only with a fugging flare of feminine style
4. learn to acquire a more attractive and outward personality. they want potentially fun friendly people on their team. it's true i pushed myself and wasn't very shy or hesitant in throwing myself into it. but there's more to it than that.
5. definitely. lose the glasses. probably looked like a bookworm. and hard truth is. i probably still looked like a fatass, boring, sloppy nerd no matter how well i owned basic form and drumming. the importance of attractiveness ups itself even a bit more in japanese culture.
6. being japanese, having a japanese last name is a definite plus. comeon. taiko is a japanese tradition. it's all about japanese culture. even to be mixed race but have the name counts for something.
7. it probably really helps to be a part of nsu (which i am now) and get to know the peeps so that they also get to know you. they'll remember you and see more than just another nervous face in the crowd.
8. it probably helps even more if you're part of nsu staff (which i am also partly on...without actually initially meaning to be on. but won't go into that). a dedicated staff member of the club ensures the security of the team's future of being led by leaders who are well-connected to the club and its functionings.

before i was all fired up, stubborn, confident and totally gung ho over spending the rest of my college career pursuing taiko. but already i'm getting weary. being a part of nsu is fun but awkward. joining late hasn't been so bad because a couple people i knew from before turned out to be in it. at the same time, thanks to tryouts, the taiko team knows me already.

but that's where the awkward comes in. it's nice to know that going in new, people know you and you already know them. but um. then there's that little thought floating in the background (ohey we um. rejected you from the team).

and then because i'm a girl and i think too much, i start thinking. shiz maybe they're thinking the same thing. or maybe they just plain don't like me. or maybe they suspect i'm hanging around in efforts to work around the politics of it all. and because i hate politics, it leaves me quite uncomfortable. keep in mind these peeps aren't mean or anything. they're actually really chill people. i'm just paranoid.

but the realization of the fact that i actually care enough to even think about changing so much of my frigging self and what i'm comfortable with leaves me with a doubt that screams hey wtf dude. are you sure you want to let this go down? and then a part of me gets angry and stubborn against ...being so stubborn in not giving this all up.

shit. and after all these thoughts. the end always leaves me with the bitter truth that hey. you can be a guy and be a bit ugly, a bit fatter, and seem a bit nerdier when it comes to cases such as this and still have an upperhand over a female counterpart of the same sorts. genderstudiesw00t.

god how i hate admitting the truth.
maybe i was just meant for rugby instead.