you're too afraid, much too afraid. to fall

i've decided that one of the greatest things about living in california is how it's always first on the list of "c" states. thus every time one of those annoying "choose your state from the list" type things pop up on the computer (ei. shipping info, registering college apps...very annoying), you can just go owhat is this? no prob. i will just click in the box and type "c" on my keyboard and voila! california baby.

um. that was random. i guess i just keep realizing how inconvenient it is when i can't do that (ei. when "the united states" is not the default country on a list).

anyways. what else. ohyes. first lion dance performance was on..er...last thursday night. took place at some banquet thingy which was great for my first performance since half the crowd consisted of old white people who were very easily impressed by all things oriental.

began very satisfied because i got my uniform. which consists of big hobo pants and a really long silk sash which ...i can't believe i'm saying this cause i rarely do...is very pretty and makes me pleased. of course that feeling wore off quite soon as they threw open the backstage doors and i proceeded to tire out in the first 2 min or so.

which was surprising because i'd totally forgotten about the effects of adrenaline (which were pleasantly absent during all those practices before) since high school sportz/music. thus my mouth dried out amazingly fast within the first 30 sec as my parasympathetic nervous system shut down to make way for my instincts to take over.

...ohwow. that sounded really nerdy at the end. whatev. it's the only thing i've ever gotten outta highschool bio.

moving on. yes. with all the excitement and anxiety going on, my frigging heart almost killed me, i was in desperate need of some ingestible liquids, my arms went numb, and my legs shook painfully under the weight that it normally would have been able to hold.

in addition, people have this strange obsession with backsides. of course, being the tail of a more experienced lion dancer, my job was to bounce and look as happy as i could...which only provoked more. shall i say, assgrabbing.

actually it wasn't that simple, there was a range of touching from playful slapping and caressing to full on attempts at grabbing my tail away from me (in which case i would panic at the thought of being revealed and pull my tail back in a very indignant fashion).

but god. put a thin layer of cloth over someone and then slapping a total stranger's ass is totally acceptable. the human mind is amusing.

then there was pushing at my sides cause people tend to forget the lion is actually made up of two people and thus think that if they push me in the side hard enough, the head will get their attention. well. okay, so i hadn't learned how to direct my head person to go where i wanted yet so my fault there. i'm just glad i wasn't the head person cause there were way too many red envelopes thrust into our faces that night. too much yelling and pushing for your attention as well. probably would've panicked and knocked someone out on accident.

don't get me wrong. it's actually a LOT of fun being the tail...even if the most exciting part is having the crowd squeal in excitement at how "cute" you are. actually so they think your ass is cute but. same thing right? (then you can play with people's heads and that's also really funny) plus. you get to relax slightly more than the head >:)

hm. i forgot something. ohyes. also, halfway through the performance i hear a loud, ugly man-scream followed by lots of laughter. a few moments later, i hear the same thing again. damn it was so loud eachtime, that i pretty much jumped back in terror (give me a little credit here, i can't see anything under the lion...besides a bit of my partner's shoes and half my arm). of course eachtime it happened, i didn't jump back enough, thus causing my head to collide with my partner's backside as she backed up in horror as well. lovely.

apparently i find out later that there was this dumbass of a man who thought it was really funny to stick his whole arm into the lion's mouth intentionally to make it look like we were trying to "eat" him...and then pulling his arm out to run away in "horror." and repeat.

and yes. when i say whole arm, i mean it. this guy managed to jut his frigging arm so far into the mouth that he actually hit my partner on the chest...causing her to feel very violated indeed...as well as very winded.

lesson of the day, kiddies: lion dance is a very dangerous sport.

actually no lie. but only when you get to the stuff like stacking stunts and shiz :D
so we went to sawtelle after, ate at curry house, went to boba (while i got a crepe instead, yum.), got back lateish. woke up the next day even more tired than before. barely made it alive through classes, slept whole afternoon, went to taiko class at night, and then HOME FREE.

anyways, all in all, a good start. am excited for future. hopefully my endurance will improve some more. if not then.. ohshiz.

the comfort in your voice is gone

[edit]
WTF IT WAS HAILING?!!!! yes, believe it or not folks. what i thought was all rain and thunder was indeed much much more o_0. apparently there were little piles of it outside but by the time timmy and i got down there again, this was all that was left:

we win. [/edit]

[editpartII]
family called...apparently the news has reported that it's also snowing in malibu and near el college. w00t! [/editpartII]

IT'S RAINING!!

unfortunately it had to occur on my first day of attempting to longboard(skateboard) from class to class. despite the slippery nature of the ground however, i managed to actually get to chem lecture on time, as well as, sex discussion.

nevermind that i did almost wipe out one person completely in my hurry but. not bad for an amateur's first run. on a hilly, populated (wet)terrain.

...wtf. thunder too? i hear people being scared har har. shuddup. it's socal.

anyways. totally not prepared for not being lazy. first midterm is next week. and i've only been here a week. the definition of "being behind" is not being at least two days in advance. it's...an uncomfortable state to be in to say the least.

cool. it's pouring now. so awesome. and more thunder wheee.

college update: in order to obtain more toilet paper when you run out, you must take your empty toilet paper roll down to the front desk as proof.

k not used to rain come down in such huge droplets in such huge amounts!!! omgz!! i'm so glad my class ended right before this or i'd be skateboarding right onto my face('s mom) now.

anyways. the college's reasoning for this is because apparently, people have started hoarding toilet paper in their rooms. i deduce that this is only because the school has decided to cut down on toilet paper and plastic trash bags and thus are very stingy in their distribution.

also, the cleaning service has not been here since the time school's started again. i'm starting the suspect they will never come. oh. noes.

whatelsewhatelse before workingtimepartXIIIXVZM (no idea what i wrote). oh! i will take this time to show you how incredibly cool my stomp pad (the pad on a snowboard for stepping on) is.

azn digipokemonstertypethingy to the max! ^_^v <33

it practically eats your face with its awesomeness.

el grillo, el grillo è buon cantore

k. think my final schedule is falling into place. here it is:

so i feel like a douche. which reminds me. why the hell do people call eachother literally "shower"bags...

k that's besides the point. i still have trouble remembering people's names and faces sometimes. and sometimes they say hi and i'm like ohey!(wtfisyournameagainargh)...

then it bothers me for the rest of the day. how stupidly blank my face must've looked. whether or not they could tell i forgot their name. how awkward that felt. did i come off as rude and aloof? and sometimes, just the fundamental question of...where the hell have i seen you before.

then i proceed to run through the babynamebook in my head, sifting through pages of names...trying out letters and sounds seeing which feels right. sometimes i even open the photoalbum of my life while consulting autobiographies under the chapter "the college years: freshman," skimming through events and activities to figure the mystery out.

sometimes it's successful and i feel bad and hope to run into the person again just so i can make it up to them and like say their name 5 times in one sentence.

most of the times however, i hopelessly find that some of the pictures in my head are just plain missing, the ink from that damned chapter of my life is already starting to fade, and the stupid babynamebook bursts into flames.

fyi, i am describing it like this because like many things in my lyfe...visual content such as this actually do flash through my mind while i think about stuff. and if i was a guy, i would so just call everyone "dude" or "man." so much easier.

this is where facebook enters. and most of the times, saves the day. of course only after hours of skillful stalking.

but then again sometimes it creates more problems. like when people friend me and i just can't figure out where they're from. don't recognize the name...can't recall where the meeting took place but the faceeee. it's so familiar. i also dislike that feeling. it's like faceeeebook is mocking me.

walking around outside makes me anxious and nervous. when i recognize a face but just can't get the name down, my hands immediately break out in sweat. i lower my head, looking distracted or as if becoming suddenly very interested in a fugging bush. sometimes i fling over my backpack and bury my face in it as if looking for something i may have forgotten...while evaluating the situation.

then i cut and run. well not literally, rather i skillfully fake forgetting something, screwing my face up in perplexity, suddenly pivot on my heels and make off in a rush, pretending to make for the destination at which my "forgotten object/business" is located. i dodge around some random corner or into a building and voila. success.

now if i don't run, looking at my watch is also a good way of not only an excuse for not seeing someone. it's also useful for looking as if i know where i'm going while in reality i'm debating wtf i should do next.

if i don't choose to run or pretend to be engaged in something...more or less it will end up with an awkward hey how's it going or strange staring and smiling.


i've also decided that my condemnation to becoming a south campus local is already growing evident. after being asked for directions to various buildings twice tonight while walking back from the area and being able to effectively provide help, i've realized that it is not only because i've been here longer but because the destinations requested were pretty central/south campus areas.

i've also learned from comparison between these recent requests and past ones where i effectively failed to provide aid, that my line of knowledge is for the most part, drawn at royce hall. actually, right in front of royce hall (thus royce hall not included).

ask me about halls where venues take place, art studios, literary buildings, history seminar rooms, sculpture gardens are? sorry no go.

but ask me about how to get to that building hidden within that other building? no prob. ask me how the math sciences building works, with its magically shifting floors, twilightzone clock in which hours fly by as if on a stopwatch (no lie), and its "only engineers can understand how to get around in that piece of engineered mess" reputation? surewhynot. what about lakrez that's buried deep inside that maze of construction going on down there? yuh. gimme a sec, i've gone there before.

of course the southcampus buildings are bunched up closer together i feel. most have boring, practical names like "geology" building. the area is not pretty looking, void of nicer spacing and random courtyards of grass and trees. the buildings are, frankly speaking, buttugly. it's straightforward...um besides the really messed up ways the buildings work internally of course.

i'll tell you, it's really amusing yet frustrating at the same time to find yourself facing the "front" of a building with no entrances and only a protruding staircase visible...two stories above you. or to find yourself encircling entire buildings without finding the building you want even when the map claims you're standing right on top of it. and then inside, no matter what turn you take or which door you exit..you find yourself on the same floor at the same starting point. or how about walking down a level hallway on the 5th floor and then 20 ft later, spotting a sign on the wall that miraculously indicates you are indeed 3 floors down now. damn. better climb the stairs back up.

k. lost my thoughts so i'll stop now. and read0rz.

the rusty pipes that are just beneath my feet

at school again. first day of classes tomorrow and it feels odd. kinda like it's not really happening but is. basically i'm not ready. dammit.

introducing my schedule (most likely):

pretty much, sleeping in is mindblowing.


so coming back has reminded me of the song "leaving new york" by r.e.m. here is what i recalled from the song in specific:

it's easier to leave than to be left behind
leaving was never my proud
leaving new york, never easy
i saw the light fading out

thing is, what i was thinking was how untrue that was for me. leaving others is harder than being left behind. maybe it's cause i'm used to it being the other way around for me. maybe it's cause i've always stayed in one place even until now (college isn't that far off). maybe i'm destined to be the "bottom" of every relationship ever :P

it hurts more. it pulls more. in addition i worry more. at least when others leave me, i have the comfort of knowing that they're probably doing what they want and are happy. their content brings me content.

maybe also a tiny sense of dejection but i've found i prefer that over the pain in knowing i may have caused another pain. alright. not like i'm killing anyone, and i don't expect everyone to worship me and miss my presence the minute i'm gone or anything but you get the picture.

and perhaps leaving hurts more than being left because, in my case, i just haven't really left at all. it's like stepping forward with one foot into a new future, while having the other foot caught in the clutter of the past.

i mean. college. half of it is like i've never left home. i'm so close to home. my family tries to visit as much as possible. i can go home in a jiffy. while this is all very convenient and i should appreciate it much more, there's always a part of me that wishes this wasn't the case.

and this is why leaving is made even more difficult now. i can't just cut and run. i can't just get on a plane and end up where no one at home can reach, impose upon, get to me. i can't turn my back completely and forget about where i came from and start anew. explore freely and recklessly knowing that if i made a mistake(gasp! all on my own), no one would find out. or at least no one would be close enough to help me back up, that i would have to do it myself. it would belong to me. i would learn. and all the while no one watching but me.

being so close to home, college doesn't even feel mine. it's so easy for my family to call and go someone's having a wedding, can you attend? we're picking up relatives at the airport, come. or simply let's go out for dinner, we'll pick you up. no? we'll bring you something then.

this sounds really bad. i don't hate my family, they're great. they bring me good food and genuinely care about me. and it's not that i don't love/appreciate them enough to do family things together or duties and whatnot either.

it's just. there's always that thought of...youknow if i wasn't so closeby like some people, i wouldn't have to do this. i wouldn't be bothered. i'd have more of my own life. entirely separate from my home. a different life. an independent one (i know, hypocritical seeing as i still use their money and shiz but gotta start somewhere). and it's a burden to care. to worry. to consider their feelings and feel like you need to make up for your own absence just because you're able to.

plus more access they have to me too, the stronger their presence, the harder it is to truly do what i want at the same time. harder to break away without worrying about the consequences. yeah i'm repeating myself again.

and the past is the biggest burden of all. and home and family are a part of that. the past can never be erased of course. but it's just nice to forget about it sometimes. pretend it was never there. sure running away will fade the good 'ol days, but along with it goes the things you'd rather not mention as well.

just being able to do that perhaps for even a day or two and then come back down again would be wonderful. you can't do something like that when the past is trailing steadily behind you like thread caught on the bottom of a shoe. after all, i can't get away fast enough in a just car going only 70 mph.


hm. always have this strange feeling when i blog for a long time that i've repeated myself 283943 times over, and that i've drifted from my initial subject. it's probably true.

..and there was a time when a slightly younger me evaluated her own beliefs and thought. damn i'd never wanna impose my own stupid teenage angst upon others. that's just no fun. why that'd be just too mean. i will attempt to blog for the peeps. nothin' but the peeps. none of that emo stuff. i'll keep that private. and yes, i will try to entertain to the best of my abilities while informing of my status from a distance. *nod*

what a load of crap that turned out to be.

just let me hold you and we'll both fall down

sometimes reading books generates intense feelings of sadness or pain because of the truths they not necessarily reveal but rather bring to light. no wrong phrase. that's the same thing. more like force upon you some things that people usually just don't want to face or acknowledge. yeah. middlesex by jeffrey eugenides does that.

slightly pretentious but loaded with taboo. serious with a touch of humour. SEX but without the ESS-EE-ECKS. basically sexified minus the shame in doing so. raw. open. add a bit of science and history and BAM there it is.

honestly, i'd feel pretty scandalous reading this book without the excuse that it's for a class but um. this is coming from a child who only read jack london wolf fictions and a person who's never touched a romance novel in her life. plus the word "sex" is just as severe as "fuck" in this household (ha. ha. see the correlation).

oh. and sex ed.? hell i thought for the longest time oral sex was kissing. imagine what that was like for me when they scrawled across the overhead STDs can be transmitted orally as well right after i'd just seen a young couple making out just outside of class.


was going to continue my d00m part II but it kinda hurts to acknowledge it and no novel's going to force it into my faceee so why not avoid it.

but ohwells. time to go back to school soon. and i still half don't want to. don't want to face my grades. don't want to sit through class. walk the hill. eat the food. wake up before noon.

i mean. having no work whatsoever for the first time since 3rd grade is rather glorious.

ring ring ring ring ring ring bananaphone!

as the time to go back to school and face the reality that i did not do so hot my first quarter of el college looms closer and closer, ironically i find myself sometimes feeling more eager to get back there.

but at the same time not.

i find myself getting really comfortable to the old familiarities of home and the people of "my past" if you will. but only that.

over and over i keep re-realizing that in fact, i have not missed my family at all this whole time in college. being home now, i find myself out a lot. i only feel completely at rest when i'm not inside or near my own house. and the hard truth is, i really could live quite comfortably and for quite a while without them. as a matter of fact. i even prefer it.

there's something about how my family works that just tends to drive me insane. or rather just angry, bitter, suppressed, EMO :P. something about its silent rules of let's rather not talk about it, i don't want to hear it, tell me what i want to hear tendencies, its masked everything's okay and happy sugarcoated surface, and the almost undetectable, critical negativity that vibrates so low that you don't even notice it until you're depressed yourself and can't figure out why.

maybe i'm still in my preadolescent stages psychologically or something since i've always been a bit late in the game, but it doesn't really change the fact that it really saddens me to think no matter how much i try to push out these feelings with excuses and whatnot, this is really what i think.

frankly, it really is all a burden to me as much as i am a burden to my family. much of all relationships are anyways. it's just unnerving to notice that recently i find myself laying on my bed fantasizing of my life of the future. in an apartment of my own, working, cooking (or just getting takeout), living entirely on my own where no one can keep track of me and what i do, no longer feeling guilty for the secret desires and perspectives i have in my head. where my life is entirely up to me.

i don't even imagine what would be usually considered a "good" successful life. in these visions, i'd have a tiny run down place with the paint peeling off the walls and the lighting so weak you'd think the power in the whole building would give out any second. my work is low pay and boring and bills are left unpaid. i'm always trucking up the apartment stairs with groceries of cabbage and quart of milk in one hand (dunno why), and chinese takeout slung on my opposite arm, papers hanging out of my mouth as i fumble to find my keys and unlock my door, etc.

but it's all just somehow glorious anyways. just because i'm free to myself.

but reality is, the way that i am, have been brought up to be, given the circumstances and conveniences, etc. i will not be self-sufficient until probably way past due time. no guts, no aspirations, no drive to get me to where i fantasize myself to be.

and such a waste. to live a life where your primary concern is always pleasing others. especially when those others are your parents. when do you figure out how to stop feeling as if you owe the world to them for all they've done for you and that you're no longer required to compromise yourself to satisfy them. cause i obviously haven't grown outta that one.

finding yourself in college and still feeling sick sometimes to the brink of (v. brief bouts of semi-) depression just at the very thought of how disappointed your parents will be at your grades is just ridiculous. it's immature. it's sad. it's...they're just not your grades anymore. afterall isn't college about finding yourself? what you want to do with your life?

it's comical really. in colleges everywhere people are aspiring to save the world, make a difference, actually feeling like they can actually make a difference. some succeed. some fail. and are upset because their own honest effort failed.

and here i am. also a college student. also failing and also upset. but mostly only because of the thought of my parents being upset. scared shitless actually.

who/what the fuck do i live for anyways.

maybe he's been seriously hurt

happy new year and all. may you all not die and shiz unless you really want that.


so i have these waves. of (intensivelyobsessive)interest.

haven't had one in a while...just little ebbandflows here and there. so of course there was no stopping this time. no worries. in a little while guitar will fade away into the background of my life once again.

but for now,

seeing youtubes splashed across the tv screen as abc broadcasted time mag.'s person of the year during the nyc newyearscountdown reminded me of this little asian kid. who was my idol probably a year ago:

jerry c (aka funtwo)
apparently he's grown o_0


also another dude who plays a very impressive "while my guitar gently weeps" on a ukulele that was also my number 1...part II idol.

and if that still doesn't fit your tastes, a very very cool thing called "air tap" that i've never seen before till recently. though i think you need an acoustic-electric guitar for that.

still wish my hands were bigger. and that my pinky wouldn't snap and lock everytime i press down hard (it feels sorta gross) >:0

creating something beautiful is awesome.