ring ring ring ring ring ring bananaphone!

as the time to go back to school and face the reality that i did not do so hot my first quarter of el college looms closer and closer, ironically i find myself sometimes feeling more eager to get back there.

but at the same time not.

i find myself getting really comfortable to the old familiarities of home and the people of "my past" if you will. but only that.

over and over i keep re-realizing that in fact, i have not missed my family at all this whole time in college. being home now, i find myself out a lot. i only feel completely at rest when i'm not inside or near my own house. and the hard truth is, i really could live quite comfortably and for quite a while without them. as a matter of fact. i even prefer it.

there's something about how my family works that just tends to drive me insane. or rather just angry, bitter, suppressed, EMO :P. something about its silent rules of let's rather not talk about it, i don't want to hear it, tell me what i want to hear tendencies, its masked everything's okay and happy sugarcoated surface, and the almost undetectable, critical negativity that vibrates so low that you don't even notice it until you're depressed yourself and can't figure out why.

maybe i'm still in my preadolescent stages psychologically or something since i've always been a bit late in the game, but it doesn't really change the fact that it really saddens me to think no matter how much i try to push out these feelings with excuses and whatnot, this is really what i think.

frankly, it really is all a burden to me as much as i am a burden to my family. much of all relationships are anyways. it's just unnerving to notice that recently i find myself laying on my bed fantasizing of my life of the future. in an apartment of my own, working, cooking (or just getting takeout), living entirely on my own where no one can keep track of me and what i do, no longer feeling guilty for the secret desires and perspectives i have in my head. where my life is entirely up to me.

i don't even imagine what would be usually considered a "good" successful life. in these visions, i'd have a tiny run down place with the paint peeling off the walls and the lighting so weak you'd think the power in the whole building would give out any second. my work is low pay and boring and bills are left unpaid. i'm always trucking up the apartment stairs with groceries of cabbage and quart of milk in one hand (dunno why), and chinese takeout slung on my opposite arm, papers hanging out of my mouth as i fumble to find my keys and unlock my door, etc.

but it's all just somehow glorious anyways. just because i'm free to myself.

but reality is, the way that i am, have been brought up to be, given the circumstances and conveniences, etc. i will not be self-sufficient until probably way past due time. no guts, no aspirations, no drive to get me to where i fantasize myself to be.

and such a waste. to live a life where your primary concern is always pleasing others. especially when those others are your parents. when do you figure out how to stop feeling as if you owe the world to them for all they've done for you and that you're no longer required to compromise yourself to satisfy them. cause i obviously haven't grown outta that one.

finding yourself in college and still feeling sick sometimes to the brink of (v. brief bouts of semi-) depression just at the very thought of how disappointed your parents will be at your grades is just ridiculous. it's immature. it's sad. it's...they're just not your grades anymore. afterall isn't college about finding yourself? what you want to do with your life?

it's comical really. in colleges everywhere people are aspiring to save the world, make a difference, actually feeling like they can actually make a difference. some succeed. some fail. and are upset because their own honest effort failed.

and here i am. also a college student. also failing and also upset. but mostly only because of the thought of my parents being upset. scared shitless actually.

who/what the fuck do i live for anyways.