the rusty pipes that are just beneath my feet

at school again. first day of classes tomorrow and it feels odd. kinda like it's not really happening but is. basically i'm not ready. dammit.

introducing my schedule (most likely):

pretty much, sleeping in is mindblowing.


so coming back has reminded me of the song "leaving new york" by r.e.m. here is what i recalled from the song in specific:

it's easier to leave than to be left behind
leaving was never my proud
leaving new york, never easy
i saw the light fading out

thing is, what i was thinking was how untrue that was for me. leaving others is harder than being left behind. maybe it's cause i'm used to it being the other way around for me. maybe it's cause i've always stayed in one place even until now (college isn't that far off). maybe i'm destined to be the "bottom" of every relationship ever :P

it hurts more. it pulls more. in addition i worry more. at least when others leave me, i have the comfort of knowing that they're probably doing what they want and are happy. their content brings me content.

maybe also a tiny sense of dejection but i've found i prefer that over the pain in knowing i may have caused another pain. alright. not like i'm killing anyone, and i don't expect everyone to worship me and miss my presence the minute i'm gone or anything but you get the picture.

and perhaps leaving hurts more than being left because, in my case, i just haven't really left at all. it's like stepping forward with one foot into a new future, while having the other foot caught in the clutter of the past.

i mean. college. half of it is like i've never left home. i'm so close to home. my family tries to visit as much as possible. i can go home in a jiffy. while this is all very convenient and i should appreciate it much more, there's always a part of me that wishes this wasn't the case.

and this is why leaving is made even more difficult now. i can't just cut and run. i can't just get on a plane and end up where no one at home can reach, impose upon, get to me. i can't turn my back completely and forget about where i came from and start anew. explore freely and recklessly knowing that if i made a mistake(gasp! all on my own), no one would find out. or at least no one would be close enough to help me back up, that i would have to do it myself. it would belong to me. i would learn. and all the while no one watching but me.

being so close to home, college doesn't even feel mine. it's so easy for my family to call and go someone's having a wedding, can you attend? we're picking up relatives at the airport, come. or simply let's go out for dinner, we'll pick you up. no? we'll bring you something then.

this sounds really bad. i don't hate my family, they're great. they bring me good food and genuinely care about me. and it's not that i don't love/appreciate them enough to do family things together or duties and whatnot either.

it's just. there's always that thought of...youknow if i wasn't so closeby like some people, i wouldn't have to do this. i wouldn't be bothered. i'd have more of my own life. entirely separate from my home. a different life. an independent one (i know, hypocritical seeing as i still use their money and shiz but gotta start somewhere). and it's a burden to care. to worry. to consider their feelings and feel like you need to make up for your own absence just because you're able to.

plus more access they have to me too, the stronger their presence, the harder it is to truly do what i want at the same time. harder to break away without worrying about the consequences. yeah i'm repeating myself again.

and the past is the biggest burden of all. and home and family are a part of that. the past can never be erased of course. but it's just nice to forget about it sometimes. pretend it was never there. sure running away will fade the good 'ol days, but along with it goes the things you'd rather not mention as well.

just being able to do that perhaps for even a day or two and then come back down again would be wonderful. you can't do something like that when the past is trailing steadily behind you like thread caught on the bottom of a shoe. after all, i can't get away fast enough in a just car going only 70 mph.


hm. always have this strange feeling when i blog for a long time that i've repeated myself 283943 times over, and that i've drifted from my initial subject. it's probably true.

..and there was a time when a slightly younger me evaluated her own beliefs and thought. damn i'd never wanna impose my own stupid teenage angst upon others. that's just no fun. why that'd be just too mean. i will attempt to blog for the peeps. nothin' but the peeps. none of that emo stuff. i'll keep that private. and yes, i will try to entertain to the best of my abilities while informing of my status from a distance. *nod*

what a load of crap that turned out to be.