so now that you've lost me, rest your weary head

whoo first post in a looong time. though it doesn't feel that way since i wrote one the other night. it was on depression and the sorts though, so i thought it too awkward for a post now. perhaps i will change my mind and only the most attentive of you will catch it hidden among the archives in the future. but for now, alas(,a cornucopia of love!) , it will be lost and forgotten.

alright. so i get my ass back home early today, leaving a very awesome lion dance practice behind me just so i could start my modern art paper that's due friday...and what do i do? that's right. i...don't start it.

now the real question is "whyohwhy cassidy, have you made such a rash move as to not start your paper when you have only two nights left and know that writing (and thinking in general) is definitely not your strong point?"

i will tell you why. but before i do, i will explain what "bike & build" is. you're probably like wtfmate? but don't worry, it'll make sense later. so basically, bikeandbuild.org is a non-profit organization that works with habitat for humanity in creating more affordable housing in the u.s. how do they this? using college students of course. basically, students bike across the whole country while stopping at several stops along the way to help build houses for free. and ta da. done. that easy.


ANYWAYS, back to where we were. so once upon a time, SOMEONE mentioned to me about this (awesomely)insane program called bike & build. now she did not do this just once, but probably 10 times over....over the course of the past year or so.

not only that, but on every occasion of mentioning the damned program, a casual after-note would always follow.. something along the lines of "you should do it. you'd like it." little did she know (or DID she), how much i'd take these careless, almost teasing remarks to heart. well, okay. actually, it took quite a few mentions to really get me thinking about it. but hey. i got there eventually.

to make it worse, this horrible person would occasionally make sound and reasonable (well kinda) comebacks to my excuses for not considering doing it. a typical, short dialogue of the matter:

"no."
"why not? you'd like it"
"cause...cause...there aren't any routes that go here and plus, isn't this some east coast college or Brown-specific thing? my school doesn't have this program."
"cass, this is nation-wide program. anyone can join."
"oh. ...iono. still, there aren't any routes that go here."
"let's see...hey, you can do the south route! i think it's new."
"mmm...but doesn't seem like it's a west coast thing. anyways, i dunno if i can do it."
"psh, you went trail building and didn't shower for two weeks. it's something you would do."
"NO...no. it's not the same."
"plus, you never think before you do things. you don't plan. you just throw yourself at things. it works."
"NO...i plan! i....think!"
~_^
"yeah...okay no i don't." (lame.)

clearly, i lose for lack of better argument. as always. so i haven't thought about bike & build for a while now. of course, only when i actually have no time to be browsing on the internet do i start looking into it a bit more. and now the scary part.

i'm starting to warm up to the idea.

BAD. conflict! indecisiveness! waste of time! what am i doing?? am i crazy? well. it wouldn't be too bad would it? yeah it'll be unbelievably tough. i'll be out of place once again among a group of super-energetic, probably somewhat more experienced, motivatedtochangetheworld, east coasters. but i guess landmark volunteers was kinda the same thing. only this time, it'll be amped up a bit. no, a lot.

i mean, it'll be cool. kinda like a growing curve. graduate from one, move onto a higher level.

or not. biking up 10% hill grades for extended periods of time? hell, i don't even bike that much. actual training beforehand? required volunteer work before the trip? prepared PRESENTATION WTF? oh. and not to mention a little thing called a fundraiser. a 4,000 dollar one. o_o

will i be able to stand mingling with people more physically and mentally apt than me for a whole 2 months? meeting town locals wherever i go and explaining our agenda for affordable housing? am i even passionate about helping this issue out? heck, i don't even know much about it.

but then again, have i ever really known much about the things i "throw myself at" before i did just exactly that, throw myself at it? isn't this why my parents have so much concern over letting me go take a shot at life for myself? well, at least i am somewhat selective about what i do end up throwing myself at. (eg. hell as never going to throw myself at some teaching job o_o)

and it usually works out. all it takes is a bit of...shutting your eyes (really)tight and taking that first hop. then there's no stopping from there and hey! you've gotta finish it or die so. take your pick. plus, the nature of biking is one where as long as you have enough will to push yourself to keep going, you won't fail (unless you die of heatstroke i guess). and the whole fundraising thing? i'm sure it won't kill me. a bit of discomfort never hurt anyone. meeting mass amounts of people and giving presentations? think of it as a learning experience (meep).

see, mentally i'm almost there. physically, well, i've always been a bit reckless with my body...confidence isn't usually an issue in that area. i'll deal with it then. oh, the benefit of shortsightedness. but then the final, hardest dilemma always impedes my good judgment: Time.

do i have time to do this? when should i do it? but what if something else pops up and i miss a great opportunity cause i'm already committed to this? regret? will i need to be constantly involved in research by then? what if this wastes my time and i could've been doing things to prepare for grad school apps and whatnot? maybe i won't even graduate on time!

MUH.


k. switching gears. went hiking tues morning by myself for the first time. left 7:30, got to the top at 8. china flats took less time than expected. sat at the top for the next 2 hours reading kite runner and basically pretending i was king of the world or something. so quiet...no people. it was glorious. mebbe i'll do it again soon. ohyeah. and unexpectantly, a hummingbird hovered literally 2 feet away from my face for a good 5 seconds or so, probably checking my amazing amazingness out.

have already started drum training for lion dance. learned to pick up things faster than expected so might even get to drum for our upcoming performances on next fri and sat. still not so keen on the improvising but meh. that's lion dance for ya. it's probably good for me.

still deciding on whether or not i should join more clubs next quarter. taiko or martial arts? or both? or none. iono, one of my fellow lion dance members keeps harping on me about taiko. but perhaps i should get my grades up first. or i could just give up on the schooling, party all the time, get "real experience (aka more partying)," and be homeless for the rest of my life. sweet.

....man i should do my paper now. what's a thesis again?