this has got to be the loneliest i've been

MUH.

second day of real school and i already have a shitload of work to do. WHY.

for some reason, was so tired today by the end of the day, i took a two hour nap through dinner instead of going out with friends, shut myself in my room and pretended not to be there. antisocial to the max. i feel old now. :/

marissa and i finally finished decorating our room. and i can't lie - it's awesome. i'm going to be really sad when we have to take it all down. took hours of work piecing everything together and trying to figure out how to hang up the lanterns i got for marissa last year. esp since nothing seems to be able to stick adequately to these greasy/dusty old dorm walls. after windexing everything in sight 3 times over, experimenting with different layers of normal scotch tape, transparent heavy duty tape, hooks, push pins, and heavy duty doublesided foam tape, we finally found a combination that worked.

in the end, we found that sticking a hook to the wall, wrapping the cord around it several times, then taping a piece of paper onto the wall around the hook with normal scotch tape and reinforcing it with heavy duty doublesided foam tape, and then taping the lantern cords to the piece of paper using transparent heavy duty tape to take some weight off the hook, works the best. it looks sooper ghetto but i'm damn proud of all those hours of experimenting and finding ways to actually reach the high ceiling. it's a sure good thing i'm not any shorter than i already am.

my camera kinda broke when my dad dropped it this summer but if i ever do find a camera somewhere, i might post pics somewhere here....or fb of course :>


finally got my summer school grades and was reallyreallyreally pleasantly surprised by my grades. though i held solid B+'s throughout most of the term, i managed to miraculously ace my finals and boost the final grades to As. am esp proud of my hist of modern art final because i needed above a 90 something on the final to get an A- and at least a 95 to get an A. there was also a rule that if you improved 10 points/percentages from your midterm on the final, you would receive 3 extra credit points. though they didn't post any breakdowns on the grades, it was indicated that i earned the extra credit. since i got an 86 on the midterm though, i can deduce that i indeed aced the final, got a 96 or higher on the final, and most likely ended up with higher than a 100% on my final. something like this hasn't happened to me since...middle school. life science was graded on a straight curve since the averages were so high, meaning i actually got a legitimate high A on my final. wtf. i'm going to take summer school all the time now (not).


so this quarter, if i do not end up dropping either ochem or chem lab (a scary thought), my schedule will be generally as follows:


plus perhaps extra tutoring in ochem or something if i manage to grab a spot that fits, lion dance on weds from 9-11pm, and whatever else i decide to do (taiko tryouts [for fun? still not sure about joining], martial arts, IM sports, floor government, neuroscience association, etc). joining other things at this point is unlikely though due to lack of time and the shitload of work already assigned (like, wtf.)

rode my bike to class this morn for the first time and it was incredibly time efficient. ended up getting all the way to north campus in 15 min (half the time it usually takes by foot. skateboarding usually takes off only 5-10 min at most) even though it was my first time and i stopped a few times to figure out where all the handicap ramps up the hills were. 5-10 min passing periods across campus were also a breeze even more than skateboarding. riding back up to the dorms is more of a challenge, though i haven't done that much yet because i'm usually walking back up with a friend.


so as you probably already know, i'm planning to travel study this summer. most likely archeology in south america. the postings have gone up and the only ones that fit my schedule (since i'm planning to take session c summer school too right after i get back) are the programs to chile and peru. now....conflict.

notes on pros and cons:
- peru in general is more attractive: takes place and is centered around the sacred valley of the incas.
- chile takes place in the tarapaca valley: in general a drier region but also with breathtaking landscape
-peru's final week involves a several day 'moderately strenuous' hike up to machu picchu. OMG SO COOL/BEAUTIFUL
-chile involves more actual hands-on archeology - most of grade depends on field work and performance in archaeological digs (makes sense since the area's mostly desert). and i really want to do real field work.
-peru centers more around historical learning. no archaeological digs, mostly just field trips to locations to learn about the history of the ancient civilizations there - grade depends on tests and a final presentation. FINAL PRESENTATION?? :(
- chile gets back earlier at the end of july whereas peru gets back aug 2 - two days before summer school starts (though this i'm not worried about)
-rating for one of the professors for peru isn't very high....PRESENTATION?? :(((

WAH I DUNNO.

oh. and i still wanna bike and build. URGH.

but they've got planes and trains and cars

aight it's been a busy week. and stuff is still continuously comin' at my face. it's amazing.

being in a real hall this time is amazing. was a bit nervous that my high expectations and intense anticipation would let me down in the end. but man, i think when i said i really wanted to live in a hall, i wasn't kidding myself. hopefully, this won't kill my gpa anymore than i already am :/

moved in last...tues? night early to be a move-in assistant (MIA). it was fun and cool to meet new people before it got busy. i think it made the transition easier. our floor turned out to have the most MIAs prolly cause we're just awesome (no actually, quite a few of them all lived on the 2nd floor last year and just transitioned up to the 6th this year). and helping peeps along the way was fun and felt good. we all actually got bored when traffic was slow (usually in the mornings).

we also helped out the RAs with their floor decorations. since 6north had so many MIAs, they had to split us onto different floors. ended up working on the floor right below mine and found out that one of the RAs was from agoura high and that max hirsch was moving into that floor. he better appreciate my effing yellow brick road (guess what the theme was :P). oh. and his mom is really really nice, him not so much. loser.

anyways, like i was saying before. halls are awesome. my door actually stays open. and when i open it, people actually come in and hang out. when it's closed...people still knock just to say hello. when you're bored you can walk down the hall and into other open doors to hang out. there's a ton more social events/stuff to do and people actually do them instead of locking themselves in their room or leaving to hang with old third year friends (or something). plus there're more people in the first place.

bathrooms aren't too bad. never had a problem with sharing but i guess i'm not the more hygienic person in the world. :/ room space is also smaller and older but hey. still managed to get a double so i'm happy. guess you get used to the squeeze here. we can just call it "cozy."


so the night before everyone started moving in, since someone had a car here, we all packed in and went to k-town for the most amazing korean bbq i've ever tasted. it was also buffet so it was death basically. a very delicious death. afterwards we got onto the wrong freeway back and ended up taking a detour to sawtelle to get some volcano boba. was tempted to get some but decided against it since lion dance already goes there way too much o_o


then stuff happened, people moved in, we had our 6 hours a day of shifts, had random night sessions of taboo and cards and plain hanging out....and then sunday night was the beginning of this year's bruin bash.

T.I. was our guest for the big concert this year as the general theme was hip-hop/rap. concert wasn't as long as last year's prolly because there was one less artist this year and....rap music is probably generally shorter than rock music. it was okay since i wasn't like 3 feet from the stage this time but i didn't really care. the huge dance party was held afterwards and the turnout was better than last year prolly cause people were better notified this year.


then more stuff happened, i don't remember cause too much was going on all at the same time...

then today...marissa and i, along with the help of tiff, embarked on an epic journey this morning to...take cool pictures of us jumping in the air. as a part of our room project, we've planned to rasterize photos of us and paste them in our room. we decided last night it would be cool to have us jumping in the pic.

it all went down pretty smoothly actually and was a ton of fun. it's amazingly easy to catch someone suspended in the air after some experimentation with the camera and angle (nm, tiff was actually a natural at this. i suck at taking pics). it also helps if the person jumps higher.

in the afternoon, our floor played a game of ultimate frisbee. a personal first time, it was 2 hours of awesomeness. wish we could've played a second game though. then we headed back, showered and relaxed and had dinner as usual.

ice cream party yet to come followed by MIDNIGHT CAPTURE THE FLAG OMG. been waiting for this moment for a whole year (didn't do this last year which made me sad >:o). it'll be north side (of the floor) vs. south side. and i won't lie, we'll prolly win. mebbe. which reminds me...i gotta find a black shirt soon..


school starts on thursday :( and i got a wonderful 8am chem lab lecture greeting me into the next school year. disgusting. hopefully, i'll be able to handle the load this quarter (all the classes i'm taking are impacted ones too lolz) but i'll have until end of second week to drop...which really doesn't help actually.

lion dance retreat to occur on the weekend of oct 7th? i think. they promise it'll be a real one this time (rather than a sadistic all2daypractice..i hope). excited. they won't tell us where they're taking us. sketchy.


now for the random stuff. it has occurred to me again while i was moving in that it always feels like such a waste to use one whole hanger for girl clothes. they're thin and small and can be folded up into tiny compact squares. but it's probably just me.

been having a ton of dreams lately probably because so much has been going on and i've been really tired every time i go to sleep. had one though where i was rushed to the emergency hospital down into some sketchy basement operating area where in my first operation, someone stuck a couple of huge tubes into my knees and a lot of other ones all over my upper body. the tubes on my knees sucked though cause they kept popping out and all this blood kept gushing everywhere and soaking the sheets and stuff and the doctor kept telling me to hold still. eventually, it was stabilized and the doctor punctured a hole through the crook of my right arm and left arm, another one through my left arm higher up and two through my upper chest kinda like above my heart and stuff. and then came the cool part.

then he stuck a tube like the ones they use for IVs through my right arm, out again, into my left arm, out again, into my chest and somehow pushed it all the way out through my right arm again and pulled so it all just kept running through my entire upper body.

yuh. lemme tell you. it was a REALLY weird feeling.


OOH OKEY WE WATCH HOUSE NOW! YAYZBYE

[edit]
HOWSE party was awesome. so many people love that show on my floor this year, it's sweet. midnight capture the flag got competitive and we finally had to stop at 2am cause there was no way any side was going to win. it was fun though and i found out i haven't completely lost all my sprinting abilities. and after reading the last part of this post again, i have no idea why i posted that dream. weirds.

ohwhoa. and i just realized that the time for this post is way off prolly cause i actually meant to write a post in the early afternoon...and procrastinated all the way till like 8pm. i'm good like that :D i don't know why i'm saying this.

be honored by my lateness

someone bought my multivariable calc book on fb! yayz.

finished summer school on friday. felt pretty good about the finals though my hand almost came off during modern art and i still didn't completely finish my essay. it was probably one of the first times in a while where i came out of finals grinning and laughing to myself in utter joy rather than shocked or dazed. don't know how my grades will turn out. the ta for modern art is pretty tough and luckily, life science is going to be on a straight curve (a very good thing considering the average on the midterm was an 86 or 90 depending on how you look at it).

and as far as how much suck it was to have the hardest and meanest ta for ls1, i realized i did actually remember things better (usually because i ended up racking my brain up before, during, and after the quizzes and was traumatized by the...lack of points). oh. plus, we were informed that section grades would be normalized whew.

...i also had a really weird dream in which i WAS modern art...like i was blobs of paint being dripped onto the canvas. lemme tell you, it was a really weird sensation.

without all the pent up stress and stuff to worry about, my body realized how little it'd physically done in the past ohhhh MONTH. also being recently itchy at the thought of biking and snowboarding....well..basically...

i actually pulled out my snowboarding pants, slipped them on, and spent the rest of my afternoon/evening walking around the house in them.

my mom thought i was crazy in the head. my sis knew better and barely noticed this as unusual behavior. ohman. my snowboarding pants are so awesome (and huge). awman. i think ima bust them out again right now.

urgh. all i do now is watch snowboarding clips, read about how to do snowboarding tricks, and rehearse them in my head. theoretically, i should be able to breeze rails and half pipes now (not). whatever. maybe pumping myself up will give me courage to try bigger jumps and obstacles this year. that. would be so cool. so excited.


saturday, went to the eye place about the contacts i should've received like 2 weeks ago. apparently some more screw ups happened and i still didn't get them. was kinda pissed with them since i've been there 2843 times already for these stupid contacts and for some reason, we have to drive all the way to monterey park for tiny pieces of shaped plastic that i could just get at like. costco.

then i felt bad cause one of the eye doctors there found out about lion dance, got all excited, and was all like that's great! because i'm getting married and my fiance and i were looking into finding a lion dance group! and asked me if we could perform for them in december. was a bit flattered and excited that a person asked for a performance to my face (actually, it's surprising how many people want performances. i've just never been asked alone before. always more flattering when it's directed at you, yaknow?). i won't lie, pocketing the business card with her email address scrawled on it made me feel legit.

so the doctor's name is dr. louie. but she looks asian. she's also pretty looking and speaks perfect english unlike most of the azns who live in monterey park. my family has concluded she is halfazn. also...none of us have ever heard of the last name louie before. it reminds me of louie louie. yes, the song. o_o

anyways, speaking of LD, we had a very engaging debate on male and female center of gravity (females are at the hips and males are at their chest/torsos) last practice while trying to figure out why guys and girls seemed to move their bodies differently when doing the dips on the sawhorses (basically, with one leg supporting you, you swing your other leg down as far as you can off one of the sawhorses, back up again, jump up off the same supporting leg, and land on the other sawhorse with the leg that just did the swinging and repeat while alternating legs. k, not important). we ended up discussing anatomy and doing dumb things to see what our bodies could or could not do. it was funny.


finally got my mountain/campus bike. yes, i'm bringing it to school. went to westlake cyclery which was a pretty big store. ended up getting an entry-level mountain/recreational bike specialized for women (though the guy did say due to my stature [and weight prolly] i could've gotten a normal bike). this new bike is amazing compared to my old one. it's reallyreally tall (or i think so. the guy said that's what i'm supposed to be riding), the brakes are sooper responsive, and my rides feel sooper smooooooth now. okay. the bike probably isn't that great. i'm just used to undersized toys r us kids bikes with brakes that don't work properly. whatevs. i'm excited for busting my ass up the hills at school (just watch me fail and never bike on campus again).


got my golden guitar hero fingers and interest in the game back probably thanks to jackie and later elmer/gabe's unannounced invasion of my house. i've progressed to being a pretty stable "expert" level player. now the only problem is that i'm going to get bored of the game soon once i finish all the songs and there's nothing left to sightread (if you can call it that). it's always more fun on your first runs for some reason.

oh. and apparently my carpet is "too squishy" for good handstand action. woe.

i dance naked in front of my pets

aight. ima write an entry to procrastinate making my modern art flashcards. probably not a good idea but has that ever stopped me before?

so now i'm thinking about biking on campus. part of the reason is cause i'm still obsessed with bike & build and this would be a way to let some of it out. another part is so that i can get to places faster without needing to lug up a piece of wood at the same time (plus i'd be able to go uphill). and the last part is that maybe riding the thing up hills will burn a few extra calories (or not). seeing as this summer i've figured out where a few of the plausible paths up and across campus are (via the few handicap ramps), i'm also a little more willing to give it a shot.

also starting to get a bit nervous about my classes this quarter. thanks to the wonderful uc enrollment system, i have now landed myself into physics, life sciences 2, ochem, and chem lab. all at the same time. in addition to that, i'll be having srp (that research thing that i do) 6-10 hrs a week. i'm maxing out my credit units. and all my classes will be notoriously hard sciencey lowerdiv classes. oh. and my ochem and life science 2 finals are 30 min apart. wtf.

ohyeah. and the biggest problem: this is me we're talking about.
say goodbye to my gpa (even more [noes!]).

though i better get used to it i guess...seeing as the way my life is planned out so far, i will be taking physics, life science, and one or two chem classes each quarter for the next year. *cry*


i'm also going to be a move-in assistant this year cause...well i don't really know why. i just am. movin' in sooper early on the 18th. that's about all for that i think.

recent lion dance performances this past friday and saturday were fun. got to our destinations sooper early though so we basically sat around bored outta our friggin minds for a couple hours before showtime. friday was for some autistic kids event thing, saturday for the 20th anniversary promotion dinner party thing for some company (turns out the company was the one that one of my fellow lion dancers interns for). it was set in some cathedral in downtown l.a. they had lots of fancy, rich stuff and really goodsmelling catered food. and i had to sit there for 2 hours staring at the cooking crew bust out all the goodies.

also on the car ride down to sat's performance, one of my current LD coordinators, janelle (who was the coordinator for taiko and had interviewed me at taiko tryouts last year) reminisced how our past LD coordinator, allie, had discussed about us newbies early last year with her. apparently allie had said something along the lines of me being "really good" and threatened janelle "not to steal me from lion dance" with taiko during the tryout period. this news was a bit awkward. a bit flattering. but really i also didn't know what to think about these secret talks behind my back. i mean, we (the younger members) always knew there were discussions behind the scenes amongst the older peeps. it's only natural. it's just kinda weird to hear about it. i'm kinda curious to know more now.

i'm also getting mixed signals as to whether i should try taiko again or not from LDers. janelle now ironically discourages it even though she was a taiko coordinator herself. and the person who was encouraging me to try it now kinda seems to be sending hints at not doing it. the biggest issue is time and commitment since i guess the two groups do overlap esp during the busiest time of spring quarter. i keep sayin' that i have no intention of ever leaving LD and that it'll still be my first priority club but they still seem a bit wary about it. perhaps doing several clubs along with school will never be a plausibly good choice. grr.

old highschool tennis people keep catching me offguard everywhere and i can't remember their names half the time. supposed to visit the team with tiff tomorrow which is making me a bit nervous. need to remember last names too in case of parents. apparently, tennis is being taken over by the "sophomore" (by sophomore, i mean when we were seniors) generation of overly involved parents and tim is "mean" now (they also have summer conditioning now HA). also, uniforms cost almost $200 bucks this year. like wtf?

rubik's cubes are fun and i'm going to eat a brownie now.

i take it out on my good friends, but the worst stays in

so i just effectively ruined a perfectly good family dinner. but it was only a matter of time in my opinion. in fact, i think some part of me actually wanted to on purpose.

yes, that's right folks. it's been only a few months at home, actually more like 1 month if you consider how much of the time i'm actually in the house and in contact with my family, and it's about time to get my ass back to school.

so my parents' subtle yet very present disapproval of my most recent obsession is beginning to rub me the wrong way again. the unwillingness to discuss it or even simply listen about it. the frowns i get from just mentioning the name. the short, curt responses..that is, if i even get one.

it started out as teasing laughter. the kind you get when people downright don't believe you're serious. of course this shortly led to mocking laughter. the kind you get when people find out ohshit you are serious but still don't believe you have the abilities to actually do it. thanks, fam.

and then started the gradual process of downright disapproval. i was right. i should've mentioned this program at a much later time so they'd have less time to work on the "discouraging" part. and earlier tonight in the middle of our dinner, my mom downright shot at me:

"why do you have to keep mentioning that thing in front of me?!"

see here, i wasn't enjoying my dinner at all the whole night. i was distracted, down, and stressed in my head. my stomach felt sick. all i wanted was a little inkling of support in my new interest and so far i had none. hell, we were at an effing buffet and i couldn't even get through my first plate without wanting to just stop pretending, leave, and curl up in a ball somewhere so i could have some time to re-convince myself again that i'm not throwing my future away, wasting time and money, or my education. that this wouldn't be a mistake, that even though i'm pursuing the career of a science researcher (mebbe) and that this would most likely not help me in any way in getting there, spending one meager summer doing something that i actually wanna do wouldn't ruin any future opportunities for my career.

and so i did the dumb thing that i usually do nowadays and actually shot a response back. something along the lines of:

"i'm not always mentioning it in front of you! it's not like i'm doing it on purpose!! it's just what i'm interested in at the moment and you know what happens - i like to talk about what i'm interested in! like guitar hero! i was interested in that before and i always talked about it and you never said anything!! so now i'm interested in this so can't i talk about it?! hahawow..."

yeah. stupid. it effectively killed our "happy" little dinner. and in a way. i was satisfied. i wanted to ruin the night like they've done to me for the past week or so. i wanted the food to taste bad for them just like it did for me. i wanted to hurt and to make them hear me.

obviously, my retort wasn't entirely true. in a way, i can feel myself wanting to mention it in front of my parents all the time. and perhaps i was actually doing it without me even realizing. the more they didn't wanna hear it, the more i wanted them to. it was like. maybe, just maybe, if i said it enough times, i could pound it into their heads. make them support me.

perhaps they could see how dedicated i am through my resilience. i mean, isn't that something they always wanted me to learn? not to give up? to do things that would teach me independence, to get me outta my element and challenge myself?

or did they always want me to never give up on what they wanted. challenge myself with things they want me to do. be independent in the ways they envisioned for me. the ways they expected i'd be.

nor would they give me any good reason for me not to do it. the reasons ran from it's way too hot in the summer to a simple, incredulous...biking?? half the time, i find myself pretending not to know why they don't support it. it even makes me feel better to believe the reasons they gave me were actually their real reasons. i find myself wanting to believe that they simply believe it'd be just too physically exhausting for me. or that they just don't think i could ever, in a million years, raise 4,000 dollars by myself.

but i know the real reason.

it's because it has no academic value. it's manual labour. basically, it's a waste of time. most crucial time of my pre-career young adult life and what am i doing? still foolin' around. still being a kid. wanting to bike around and play. why couldn't i teach? get a real research job? apply for internships?

at least landmark volunteers helped for college apps. of course it wasn't ideal, perhaps going to moorpark and taking a few classes or being a leader and setting up a few clubs would have been better. if only she'd studied more and gotten a higher SAT score. but she was young. she'd grow out of it. and it was already a great thing that she'd do any type of community service that involved being on her own. plus, it was mentioned in some featured high school graduate's list of things done in high school. and look where it got that girl! harvard!

but now look where she is. already going to be a sophomore in college. time to grow up. stop doing stupid things. stop playing around. hell, she hasn't even got a direction as to what her major is going to be and all she's thinking about is riding around on bikes and building houses for free?? why couldn't she do something more intellectual? learn how to be an adult. get some real skills.

i imagined my parents' reactions to be different. honestly, i thought they'd be thrilled. a little shocked at the amount of work, a little disbelieving at my fundraising capabilites, but happy that i'd do something that required me to get out and adapt myself (my family's never been big on the whole helpingouttochangetheworld thing so i never considered that to be an influencer for them). they've always harped on how i'd never be able to do a program that involved my being on my own for extended periods of time with a whole new set of strangers. well now, i'd be gone for a whole 2 months. not just adjusting to one new environment, but one for every day of those 2 months.

and even if they weren't thrilled at the idea since it still involved manual labour, at least they'd be lukewarm to the idea, right? and perhaps they'd warm up to it over time. they wouldn't be able to say to themselves, my daughter went to oxford on a scholarship to study the chemical effects of lysergic acid diethylamide on the brain with world renowned neuroscientist, (blank)...but at least they'd be able to have a little pride in saying to themselves. haha my daughter is crazy. she raised 4,000 dollars, literally biked 3,600 miles across the whole united states, and helped build houses along the way for lower income families. now how many kids do that?

sometimes, my naivete still surprises me. you'd think i'd grow up by now. of course, they wouldn't be too keen with something like this. it's boyish and (intellectually)unproductive, not worth the time or energy, and more like play than anything else in their eyes. it angers me sometimes to think how my parents still don't think i've grown up at all. but it's just downright sad when i realize myself that really, my parents are right. i haven't grown up. i'm not mature. why?

cause i am still so dependent on my parents. i can't even make decisions by myself. i can't even buy a shirt (that's not from threadless) without consulting my mom cause last time i did that, she didn't like it and i never wore it again (wow that sounded really bad).

but it's true. why else would i let all their comments get to me. all the "you're stupid, fat, unmotivated, lazy, inconsiderate, rebellious, boyish, dependent"s. dependent, there's that word again. why do i even care. you'd think one'd get used to it and learn to rely on herself by now.

and what makes me keep trying? what makes me think that one day, i'll actually live up to them. finally pay back all they've given me. make them truly happy and content with who i am. foolish hope that only the mind of a child could have. contrary to pavolvian theory, i still haven't seemed to learn from the repeated attempts at ever satisfying my parents. sometimes, i even dream that one day, i'd be able to change my parents and what they think. HA! imagine that, change them!

time to wake up and smell the fresh coffee yo. you're far from ever being that perfect child so why not just accept it and start living life for yourself. at least satisfy one end of the spectrum. it's already getting harder and harder to hear discouraging comments. sometimes i wonder how i even heard the same things everyday when i was little and not even say a single word in defense. perhaps i really was emptyheaded haha.

it's frustrating sometimes. trying to seek their approval. and it's scary. how am i ever going to make a big decision on my own. i still await the day when i can do my own thing, something they don't approve of, and not feel bad about it. not feel like i'm screwing up and taking something away from them when they'd worked so hard for everything.

but also, when i really think about it, sometimes i feel that the biggest reason i need their approval is so that i know that if i mess up, it'll be okay (well more okay than if they didn't approve). in some sense, if they supported whatever i was doing, then failing wouldn't have been completely my fault. they wouldn't be able to say. we told you so or see, we let you go on your own and what do you do? fail. you should've listened. they'd carry part of the blame too, part of the failure because they'd help point the way.

iono. hopefully, my interest in bike and build will last for a long time since my next summer already has plans. and hopefully (or not so much) no other opportunities or whatever will pop up to deter me from doing it. or if anything does, i hope it pops up early enough so i could plan ahead and still fit everything in.

but yeah. it could very well be a chance to do something for once that was completely of my own volition. and thinking of just how big a task this program would be, how wonderful would that feel. how great it would be to know that i'd finally done something of my own, without the backing of my parents for once, and succeeded. i could show them off and prove myself. this is all assuming, of course, that i wouldn't feel miserable throughout the whole trip about their disapproval and like ...fall off my bike and get hit by a passing car on some freeway in the middle of nowhere and then have to get embarrassingly sent home early.

or maybe my interest will eventually be dampened and my motivation will ebb away, making it easier to give up on the idea as it usually does, seeing how shortsighted i am.

but for now, i should work on being less obsessed (e.g. stop planning in my head all the ways i'd present my fundraising speeches and which neighborhoods to fundraise in or looking at camelbaks and past participants' travel blogs) and actually work on my current hw at hand.

oh. and on a random note, i finally got contacts again. apparently these ones don't dry as easily and are better for astigmatism buuut...frankly, my eyes feel just as dry as they used to be.

also, WHY SO HOT HERE.