i take it out on my good friends, but the worst stays in

so i just effectively ruined a perfectly good family dinner. but it was only a matter of time in my opinion. in fact, i think some part of me actually wanted to on purpose.

yes, that's right folks. it's been only a few months at home, actually more like 1 month if you consider how much of the time i'm actually in the house and in contact with my family, and it's about time to get my ass back to school.

so my parents' subtle yet very present disapproval of my most recent obsession is beginning to rub me the wrong way again. the unwillingness to discuss it or even simply listen about it. the frowns i get from just mentioning the name. the short, curt responses..that is, if i even get one.

it started out as teasing laughter. the kind you get when people downright don't believe you're serious. of course this shortly led to mocking laughter. the kind you get when people find out ohshit you are serious but still don't believe you have the abilities to actually do it. thanks, fam.

and then started the gradual process of downright disapproval. i was right. i should've mentioned this program at a much later time so they'd have less time to work on the "discouraging" part. and earlier tonight in the middle of our dinner, my mom downright shot at me:

"why do you have to keep mentioning that thing in front of me?!"

see here, i wasn't enjoying my dinner at all the whole night. i was distracted, down, and stressed in my head. my stomach felt sick. all i wanted was a little inkling of support in my new interest and so far i had none. hell, we were at an effing buffet and i couldn't even get through my first plate without wanting to just stop pretending, leave, and curl up in a ball somewhere so i could have some time to re-convince myself again that i'm not throwing my future away, wasting time and money, or my education. that this wouldn't be a mistake, that even though i'm pursuing the career of a science researcher (mebbe) and that this would most likely not help me in any way in getting there, spending one meager summer doing something that i actually wanna do wouldn't ruin any future opportunities for my career.

and so i did the dumb thing that i usually do nowadays and actually shot a response back. something along the lines of:

"i'm not always mentioning it in front of you! it's not like i'm doing it on purpose!! it's just what i'm interested in at the moment and you know what happens - i like to talk about what i'm interested in! like guitar hero! i was interested in that before and i always talked about it and you never said anything!! so now i'm interested in this so can't i talk about it?! hahawow..."

yeah. stupid. it effectively killed our "happy" little dinner. and in a way. i was satisfied. i wanted to ruin the night like they've done to me for the past week or so. i wanted the food to taste bad for them just like it did for me. i wanted to hurt and to make them hear me.

obviously, my retort wasn't entirely true. in a way, i can feel myself wanting to mention it in front of my parents all the time. and perhaps i was actually doing it without me even realizing. the more they didn't wanna hear it, the more i wanted them to. it was like. maybe, just maybe, if i said it enough times, i could pound it into their heads. make them support me.

perhaps they could see how dedicated i am through my resilience. i mean, isn't that something they always wanted me to learn? not to give up? to do things that would teach me independence, to get me outta my element and challenge myself?

or did they always want me to never give up on what they wanted. challenge myself with things they want me to do. be independent in the ways they envisioned for me. the ways they expected i'd be.

nor would they give me any good reason for me not to do it. the reasons ran from it's way too hot in the summer to a simple, incredulous...biking?? half the time, i find myself pretending not to know why they don't support it. it even makes me feel better to believe the reasons they gave me were actually their real reasons. i find myself wanting to believe that they simply believe it'd be just too physically exhausting for me. or that they just don't think i could ever, in a million years, raise 4,000 dollars by myself.

but i know the real reason.

it's because it has no academic value. it's manual labour. basically, it's a waste of time. most crucial time of my pre-career young adult life and what am i doing? still foolin' around. still being a kid. wanting to bike around and play. why couldn't i teach? get a real research job? apply for internships?

at least landmark volunteers helped for college apps. of course it wasn't ideal, perhaps going to moorpark and taking a few classes or being a leader and setting up a few clubs would have been better. if only she'd studied more and gotten a higher SAT score. but she was young. she'd grow out of it. and it was already a great thing that she'd do any type of community service that involved being on her own. plus, it was mentioned in some featured high school graduate's list of things done in high school. and look where it got that girl! harvard!

but now look where she is. already going to be a sophomore in college. time to grow up. stop doing stupid things. stop playing around. hell, she hasn't even got a direction as to what her major is going to be and all she's thinking about is riding around on bikes and building houses for free?? why couldn't she do something more intellectual? learn how to be an adult. get some real skills.

i imagined my parents' reactions to be different. honestly, i thought they'd be thrilled. a little shocked at the amount of work, a little disbelieving at my fundraising capabilites, but happy that i'd do something that required me to get out and adapt myself (my family's never been big on the whole helpingouttochangetheworld thing so i never considered that to be an influencer for them). they've always harped on how i'd never be able to do a program that involved my being on my own for extended periods of time with a whole new set of strangers. well now, i'd be gone for a whole 2 months. not just adjusting to one new environment, but one for every day of those 2 months.

and even if they weren't thrilled at the idea since it still involved manual labour, at least they'd be lukewarm to the idea, right? and perhaps they'd warm up to it over time. they wouldn't be able to say to themselves, my daughter went to oxford on a scholarship to study the chemical effects of lysergic acid diethylamide on the brain with world renowned neuroscientist, (blank)...but at least they'd be able to have a little pride in saying to themselves. haha my daughter is crazy. she raised 4,000 dollars, literally biked 3,600 miles across the whole united states, and helped build houses along the way for lower income families. now how many kids do that?

sometimes, my naivete still surprises me. you'd think i'd grow up by now. of course, they wouldn't be too keen with something like this. it's boyish and (intellectually)unproductive, not worth the time or energy, and more like play than anything else in their eyes. it angers me sometimes to think how my parents still don't think i've grown up at all. but it's just downright sad when i realize myself that really, my parents are right. i haven't grown up. i'm not mature. why?

cause i am still so dependent on my parents. i can't even make decisions by myself. i can't even buy a shirt (that's not from threadless) without consulting my mom cause last time i did that, she didn't like it and i never wore it again (wow that sounded really bad).

but it's true. why else would i let all their comments get to me. all the "you're stupid, fat, unmotivated, lazy, inconsiderate, rebellious, boyish, dependent"s. dependent, there's that word again. why do i even care. you'd think one'd get used to it and learn to rely on herself by now.

and what makes me keep trying? what makes me think that one day, i'll actually live up to them. finally pay back all they've given me. make them truly happy and content with who i am. foolish hope that only the mind of a child could have. contrary to pavolvian theory, i still haven't seemed to learn from the repeated attempts at ever satisfying my parents. sometimes, i even dream that one day, i'd be able to change my parents and what they think. HA! imagine that, change them!

time to wake up and smell the fresh coffee yo. you're far from ever being that perfect child so why not just accept it and start living life for yourself. at least satisfy one end of the spectrum. it's already getting harder and harder to hear discouraging comments. sometimes i wonder how i even heard the same things everyday when i was little and not even say a single word in defense. perhaps i really was emptyheaded haha.

it's frustrating sometimes. trying to seek their approval. and it's scary. how am i ever going to make a big decision on my own. i still await the day when i can do my own thing, something they don't approve of, and not feel bad about it. not feel like i'm screwing up and taking something away from them when they'd worked so hard for everything.

but also, when i really think about it, sometimes i feel that the biggest reason i need their approval is so that i know that if i mess up, it'll be okay (well more okay than if they didn't approve). in some sense, if they supported whatever i was doing, then failing wouldn't have been completely my fault. they wouldn't be able to say. we told you so or see, we let you go on your own and what do you do? fail. you should've listened. they'd carry part of the blame too, part of the failure because they'd help point the way.

iono. hopefully, my interest in bike and build will last for a long time since my next summer already has plans. and hopefully (or not so much) no other opportunities or whatever will pop up to deter me from doing it. or if anything does, i hope it pops up early enough so i could plan ahead and still fit everything in.

but yeah. it could very well be a chance to do something for once that was completely of my own volition. and thinking of just how big a task this program would be, how wonderful would that feel. how great it would be to know that i'd finally done something of my own, without the backing of my parents for once, and succeeded. i could show them off and prove myself. this is all assuming, of course, that i wouldn't feel miserable throughout the whole trip about their disapproval and like ...fall off my bike and get hit by a passing car on some freeway in the middle of nowhere and then have to get embarrassingly sent home early.

or maybe my interest will eventually be dampened and my motivation will ebb away, making it easier to give up on the idea as it usually does, seeing how shortsighted i am.

but for now, i should work on being less obsessed (e.g. stop planning in my head all the ways i'd present my fundraising speeches and which neighborhoods to fundraise in or looking at camelbaks and past participants' travel blogs) and actually work on my current hw at hand.

oh. and on a random note, i finally got contacts again. apparently these ones don't dry as easily and are better for astigmatism buuut...frankly, my eyes feel just as dry as they used to be.

also, WHY SO HOT HERE.