let me introduce you to the end

hello my (imaginary)friends. i still suck at posting.

um i love rain. and no, i'm not being bipolar...it's raining outside and it makes me happy and oh so joyous.

aight. so if anyone is wondering, i'm doing just dandy. i basically sit in class, then sit in the research lab, and then walk on back to the dorms....where i proceed to sit in my room. or possibly my friend's. and that is my life.

occasionally, i also eat red mango and lion dance. both of which is the pwn.


onto the personal thoughtshit cause i suppose that's what blogs are for - expressing all that inner crap that people usually would find a burden to listen to in person, but not at all a burden to read on their own time as there is no direct contact with the person in question, and they may leave anytime the crap starts boring the hell outta them. voyeurism is so much easier, really. actually. it's kinda fascinating to think about sometimes :D

uhhhh yeah. so thoughtshit.

so i've realized, for the 3284934th time, how much general interest in anything that i used to have, has diminished at an alarming rate. in fact, it's rare for me to even attempt to work up that enthusiasm and motivation to go "EY! i'm in college. i should be grabbing as much opportunity as i can to do as many (il)legally exciting and tomfoolery-ey things as i can! marker tag? should be fun. speshul speakers/authors?..homg. rock climbing? i'm there. night trips to the getty? ooooh. musicals in l.a.? yayayz. expedition to the sierras? omg. rock concerts? ohhellzyes!....FIELD TRIP ACROSS THE CAMPUS??? LIKEHOMFGHELLZYEAH.

every now and then, perhaps i'll get a slight itch to go outside and bounce a basketball a few times or something. but even then, it's only "slight" and not difficult for the laziness inside to shine through and smite the poor bugger. and why am i personifying an itch..

it's weird to grow old (and i don't mean by how i act...just ask my mom). never thought this would happen to me. the urges that used to pester me have gone. rarely do i even pick up the guitar anymore. desire to draw or create? the feeling's so dull it annoys me just to attempt to even feel for them in the first place. music has taken a backseat...do i even play with the thought of getting myself to coachella anymore? whatever happened to running around outside? the only times i'm outside are for short walks inbetween classes. i'm not even sure if i've still retained all the muscle memory required to even participate in any sport. and it's as if wanderlust has wandered away from me.

perplexing, how easy it is for things to fade and slip out the back while you aren't looking. scarily malicious, how it all works. time is a callous son of a bitch.

man. i always knew it was painful to desire. but to not? never thought it would hurt this badly. and not in a sharp, overwhelming way. but in that dull, persistent, barely beneath the surface kinda way. rawrgh. i even drew the other day...successfully too - i created something more or less. beautiful (i say this because, art in general is a beautiful thing. i ain't sayin i'm a friggin van gogh or anything :P). and yet, the satisfaction was only minimal. WEIRDZ. WHY???

comeon, i can't even watch movies well anymore. wtfman. video games are nice. but i don't play with that intense satisfaction i used to get as a kid. sometimes it feels as if i only play hours on end in hopes that i'll be able to imitate the feeling of obsession.


but you never know. perhaps it's just because i've found a comfortable hole to situate myself in. at least for now. maybe the fascination with life will come back after something breaks through the comfort and drags me outta that hole. hope it gives me a good kick in the ass and a "get outta here, you lazyass goodfornothin'!!!!11" too.

oh. and just for kicks. in no way does it reflect my life or any aspect within it.