but it settles in its final location

believing in others is so much easier than believing in yourself.






(god i'm so fucking scared.)

i could forget about everything

so i'm starting to find that it kinda bothers me when people actively dislike me. dunno if it's cause i'm not used to it or whatnot but muh.

part of the problem seems to be that when they do dislike me, i don't necessarily dislike them back. i just kinda get intimidated/wanna fix it/start feeling guilty. and if i do dislike them back, i can usually see why they would have a problem with me in the first place...so really, i still lose.

but i don't necessarily enjoy hearing bashing from second hand sources either. especially if, on the surface, i'm still being greeted by cheery hellos and friendly goodbyes. if you got something to say, say it to my face and maybe we can work it out..or at least come to the general agreement to avoid each other. otherwise, it just makes things awkward for me. and then i'll end up sitting and wondering how you can put such a convincing facade on and not feel even a slight twinge for being so decieving. i get nauseous just thinking about it.

i also dislike casual biting comments. when someone's already down, it can really cut deep yaknow? keep your frustration to yourself. i wasn't the one that made you pass out those flyers. and belittling me really won't inspire in me a newfound desire to save the world.

bitch world does not work well with me.


perhaps i'm just a little down at the moment. my classes are in danger. and for the first time in my life, i'm genuinely afraid of not passing a class (yes, as in not obtaining a C- or higher). i've always been bad at regulating myself. it's always been at the extremes for me like a sine wave - trough, peak, trough, peak..and right now, i'm at the precipice again looking down into one hellofa ditch.

and frankly, i haven't felt this scared in a while. i knew it would all come down eventually, but i was never a farsighted person (in all contexts of the word ha. ha.). every time i've run on an emotional high, i've milked to for what it's worth...no, actually, for MORE than what it was worth...and came crashing down, paying a price worth the debt..and a little more.

and no, i'm not talking about schoolwork either. it just happens to be that this time, for the first time too, the price to pay might just be that. and new experiences are always the scariest.

colleges are about learning about yourself right? well, i think the only thing i've learned so far is my remarkably low tolerance for interpersonal unrest and my even more remarkable level of immaturity. yes, i will now admit that my parents have been right all along. i am NOT ready for the real world. i can't even handle college. give me freedom and independence and i'll run wild. i'll play and slack and play and slack till my hole of unproductiveness is too deep for me to climb back out of. my only true motivation to do well really was the fear of parental wrathe. okay, and maybe a little bit of peer/teacher expectations. void of either, i'm lost without purpose.

so what to do now? fix it of course. then again, it's so much easier said than done. with the addition of random panic attacks, paralyzing thoughts of just how fast the quarter is going and how far behind i am, and the nagging afterthought of an ill social relationship...all i wanna do is sleep or binge eat or do something physically draining to keep my mind distracted. running away is so easy.


on another note, i keep rerealizing (and i feel like i've repeated this at least 83439 times too) the amazing extent to which humans need each other. loneliness can be one hellofa bitch....can make bitches too.

when your apologies fail to ring true

aight guys. this weekend is gonna be DA PWN.

here's a glimpse of my ridiculous(ly ridiculous) schedule:

in approx 5 min or so:
goin to practice LD some more (yes, for fun) for our second biggest event of the year: alhambra parade.

10:50-midnight tonight: seeing step up 2 with my trio of friends + janelle (soopahipLDmommy) who's gonna take us :DDD

saturday
8am-midafternoon: alhambra parade :>
5pm-1am: russell peters + trying to get there and back by public transportation

sunday
6am-uhhhbasically the entire day: SNOWBOARDING AT BIG BEAR YEUH. and here's the real kicker - I'M DRIVIN'. friends staying over at my place after :>

monday
all day: sleeping in late, playing video games, messing with my sis, or whatever the hell my friends wanna do at my place.
night: eat, come back to school, and...i really don't think this is gonna happen but LDmommy wants to get me drunk and go clubbing. o_o

so packed fjkdalfjelr imahavesomuchfunandthenfailallmyclassesyayayayaz

also. i heard that our ls3 profs decided not to give our midterms back till after break so that they wouldn't ruin our weekend. i find that hilarious(ly scary).